i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
