you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
