I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
