i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You left your phone here
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