Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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