Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
