So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
