last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
