woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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