Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
