So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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