I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
