It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
