Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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