hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
