Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
