I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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