Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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