This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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