She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You can't special order awesome
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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