I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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