Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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