Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
