I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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