the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
