I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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