as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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