do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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