I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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