So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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