No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
