I think my fart just growled at me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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