I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
