If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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