That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
