I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize