whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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