i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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