The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
