I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
