giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
