Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
