I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
