I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
