if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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