I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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