I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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