So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
