I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
