well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
