This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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