happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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