its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
