no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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