Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hippo gnu deer
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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