And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
