How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
