My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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