i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
