you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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