Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
