Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so let's talk penis.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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