There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
