How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
