in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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